Too good, baby.

Things are really good right now.

Too good.

Which makes me really nervous.

I am always saying sorry and I think when I talk on the phone I sound like I am twelve, really. How do people put up with my high pitched voice? I do not know.

I feel like a loser because I am actually writing about him on a blog. (oh lord this might bite me in the ass.)

To start off, I would have never thought that I would be able to get close, as in touching and being close in general. Turns out, he's the opposite, he likes cuddling, holding hands, and having deep talks which makes me very happy. He understands my view points and I am starting to learn his but we do not convert our view points to satisfy the other's. We do not change our personalities or quirks or become someone different and that's what makes me think that it's going to work. I am trying not to think of the future or how to act around him because if I do, I will see things differently and start acting all awkward. Mom always said I have be with someone who lives in New Orleans because I am not leaving my family to move somewhere else. Of course he is from somewhere not new orleans, but that's ok. I don't get to see him as much as I would like and people keep asking me if it's going to work since he is far away and the answer is "yes." I never believed in long distance relationships because the couple never sees each other and they don't have the closeness as a couple who lives in the same vicinity, but I don't think I count because it's only three weeks.

I have been loving sleeping late and studying when I want and seeing my friends while on break. But there are always those little reminders of him wherever I go that make me think " I miss him." I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way because we have only been talking for two months. I should still be in the infatuation stage and just being horny all the time, but I'm not. I find myself smiling too much; a memory pops up and I can't stop it from happening. I also think that sometimes I like him too much or I am too clingy so I try to back off and seem nonchalant and passe'. I confronted him about it and all he said was " then I must be clingy too."

It still surprises me how much I am seeing in him, how relaxed he becomes or how the jokes begin to fade and how he becomes focused.. on me. I find myself blushing or beet red by the time the night is over and I can hardly contain how giddy I feel.

I never pictured it like this, he surprises me everyday.

Quando

Lately I have been on a kick of old love songs or just the classic songs that everyone should know. I think what really kicked it off was going to a wedding with Jody and dancing to those great love songs. For example some that you should know:
At Last
I'll be Seeing You
Unforgettable
Aint that a Kick in the Head
That's Amore
Save the Last Dance for Me
Sway
Pretty much anything by Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin.
I mean the list goes on but those are some good ones right there.

This one song that is my absolute favorite right now is Quando Quando Quando with Michael Buble' and Nelly Furtado, these are some of the lyrics:
Tell me when you will be mine,
tell me Quando Quando Quando,
we can share a love divine
please don't make me wait again.

I feel like all I am doing is waiting and being patient right now and it's kinda killing me but I know it will be worth it in the end. I mean these lyrics are way more intense than my actual feelings but the feeling of wanting and the need to know when are topics I can relate to.
It's weird that everything is going pretty well in my life right now. I am talking to someone, I don't have any drama with my friends, I am meeting new people all the time, and, I know it's different, but God is slowly creeping back into my life. The only bad thing is that I find it hard to have the will power to do my homework until it is really late at night and I have to absoluetly do it. Bleh.

I wish we could all go back to the simple times and have tiny worries. Everything was so simple then. The love songs had meaning and represented such intense love. I think the problem with society today is finding a way back to then and finding the simple life. My goal this week is to be simple and not complicate anything, to relax and enjoy life.

Aint that a Kick in the head?

irks?

I don't know if it's me or what because my emotions are out of wack but ..

Right now I am feeling out of place, like I don't belong and for some reason I expect it. I'm not in on the talk or the stories, I'm not there when action goes down. I'm out of the loop.
I get mad for no reason.
I'm mad and confused because everyone else around me is happy or doing something with their life. They're going places.
I feel like I'm in a limbo and in need of something to pull me out of the fog.
My music is calling to me but I'm too busy and don't have time to create what I was meant for.
yes, I know I have friends, but I feel like I don't have anyone to lean on, I don't have a constant. People fade in and out of focus. For example, one moment your so close and intimate and the next time you see them, you get a high five.
I don't understand you anymore. I don't know everything about you and I don't want to because you deserve your privacy. Everything you said before means nothing, you change your mind like the weather and you always think you're right. Don't worry, it will be fine. You'll never read this anyway.
I am not different, our more outgoing than I was before college. I still look at the ground when I walk because I think it will just cancel out the people around me looking at me with my head phones in and singing to myself.
These days I get annoyed by my family because they are always at my house eating our food and leaving a mess. That irks me. I should probablly be nicer to them.
I should probablly be in a better mood and be nicer to people but frankly, I just don't give a flying fuck.
I'm tired of trying to put myself out there or put effort into conversation. People should accept me because of me, not because I smile a lot.

A dull ache

I don't want to hear about your past relationships.

I don't want to hear about your relationship with my dad.

I don't want to hear about you current relationship with your husband.

Because I can't handle it.

I think you are a selfish person who just didn't give enough. You say that you just couldn't do it anymore, that you didn't have the strength or the will power to follow through. But you had enough will power to cheat. For that, you are weak.

If only you would have had enough to stay with dad for Glenn and I.

If you would have given that extra effort my life would be different.

Couples don't realize how much a divorce affects a child. Parents just think that because they can't stand each other anymore means that because they are fine the kid will be. Wrong. That divorce changed my life. The divorce came with overwhelming feelings of sadness, shame, and anger plaguing me for years. It's like a dull ache that is always there; your mind is elsewhere but you are constantly reminded of the ache. I'm sick of the the feeling that it was my fault and that maybe if I wasn't such a handful, it might have been easier for them. I'm sick of wondering about what real love looks like. Every relationship in my family has ended with divorce; there are no examples to learn from.

I keep asking myself " How will I know he is the one?" " Is there such thing as the one?" I know there is no such thing as love in a fairy tale or love in the movies. I hope it's better.

Love is about knowing one another and being friends as well as feeling a connection. Love is about getting in fights and knowing all sides of a person because you would rather fight to keep them than give up and let them go.

I don't know everything about love, but I'm willing to learn.

Lessons Learned

1. Do not make a promise with out the intention of keeping it.
2. If someone has hurt you in the past, they will hurt you again.
3. Don't walk outside when you think it's going to rain because chances are, it's going to rain.
4. Get over it, it's done, there is no need to look back on it.
5. Don't regret anything in your past because if you made the decision, there was a good reason for making it.
6. Things happen that are unexpected so expect it.
7. It's okay to have a closed heart sometimes. Only the ones you love and adore should see the real you.
8. It is possible to walk out your emotions even if it means your feet hurt.
9. Parts of your life may come to a halt, but life goes on.

I know some people won't agree with these lessons, but hey, everyone takes things differently.

bitch bitch bitch

I can't fucking stand this place.
Ya'll really don't need to read this because it's just me bitching about how I hate my job.
Why can't I have a normal job like working at a snoball stand I would even go back to working at quizno's?
All I hear is my aunt yelling at me, telling me I am doing everything wrong, and elaborating that if I can't do this, how am I going to last in the real world??
It all started when she was talking about hiding in the bathroom or in the back because someone she didn't like was coming in to show my aunt her new engagement ring. When the woman called to ask where my aunt was, I told her that she left. I thought I was doing my aunt a favor but I was only f-ing things up supposedly. I told her that the woman called and that she was off the hook, "your welcome!" but instead of saying " thank you" she said " god, blythe, why did you do that? Now she is going to think I am a scumbag because I told her to wait downstairs and I would meet her down there and then scoot off too lunch. I don't want to be a mean person and just leave her like you told her I did! that is beneath me!" She was yelling at me so i said, " are you bipolar? you just told me you didn't want to see her and now your telling me that you wanted to meet her? what is your problem?" Now she isn't talking to me. Like I care.
Not to meantion she pulled this shit yesterday and I almost quit then, too. Yesterday morning, I woke up at 6:00 and went to bed at 1:00 because I went to ihop with some friends after a 3hr play practice. I was tired, very tired. I answered the phone with out my usual pizaz at 8:30 because I was living off of 5 hrs instead of the usual 8 hrs of sleep. She had the nerve to tell me " well maybe if you weren't in such a bad mood all the time, you would like working here. Stop moping around. I mean really." Are you fucking kidding me? you don't know me woman! I had shit to do last night and I was tired! TIRED! not moody, not sad, TIRED!
But then I think, " If I quit, she would be in a huge shit hole. HUGe." Should I stay and put up with her shit? Or should I leave and work somewhere people are nice to me? I'm not going to lie, it's good money, but I don't know if I have the strangth to go through with it anymore.
Lawyers are assholes. I'm pretty sure everyone knows that. (No offense to people who have family who are lawyers) People call everyday asking to talk to them and they tell me " oh, take a message" yet, the people still call the next day. I think if someone calls you, you should call them back that day of the next or they will just keep calling. just get it over with! I hate it because I just keep telling them, " I'm sorry, he isn't here right now" and they get pissed at me. It's not my fault! I am not your lawyer! I just answer the damn phones!
Don't people know diction? Why can't they articulate their names? Because sometimes they will say their name and I'm like " I'm sorry, can you say that again?" Then they get louder because they think I am deaf. Articulate dumbasses!
the end.
As I say everyday, " good afternoon! law office?"

summer

I am sitting at work right now doing absolutely nothing so I decided to blog.
What to blog about? Oh well hell since it's summer, let's talk about " summer plans."
For a solid three months I am working at my aunt's law firm doing bitch work like filing, typing legal documents, cleaning their dishes, running errands, and last but not least: making coffee.
I am pretty sure this place has a curse because all I do when I get here is eat. I think maybe it's a mixture of nothing to do and actual hunger. Anyway, I am glad I work here because it opens my eyes to how much I never want to work in an office for the rest of my life. Thank God.
Speaking of God, I work in a church choir now praising the Lord through song. I get paid which is nice, but the conductor is a wee bit crazy. She directs totally different from what I am used to because I am being spoiled by Meg. She also puts people down a lot, but I feel like it's only me because she not only comments on my singing, but she also comments on my shoes and how they are not nice enough for church. Well sure I will go buy new shoes with the imaginary money from my fucking wallet.
On a happier note, I am saving money to study abroad. I have decided! I would like to go to Italy to study vocal performance and learn Italian. I will either go next spring or the summer. Nothing will prevent me but money! I am saving though..
I am also doing shows which feels great because it seems like forever since I have been in a show. It's been a year. WOW. I love singing and acting and being apart of something.
Speaking of being a part of something..... Glee? Amazing. Loved it.
I spent my time watching Glee at Bryce's house with a bunch of friends which was a good time. I think it's going to be a really good show and I can't wait until I see it in the fall. I want to find outwhat happens.. I just hope they don't put all the good stuff in the commercials...
Last night, I spent the night with Dot and Kacie and we watched the Mitch Hedberg comedy skit and it was fucking hilarious! look it up! Kacie and I also went and got snoballs from sal's and talked about people we know and their lives for the summer. Everybody does it..
Well I hope everyone has a great summer! I know I will! The break is greatly appreciated. :]

Crying

I just cried because of a tv show.
No, I don't cry because of graduations, death, or something tradgic happening. A fucking tv show.
My emotions are about as big as a tea spoon.
I do not show emotions, or deep emotions, unless something really touches me. It was a tv show.
I have not cried in months or since my last hissy fit.
When I was growing up, everyone alsways cried for the littlest of things like a first word coming out of my little cousins mouth, or a simple " I love you." So why am I like this? Why do I not cry? Why don't I show true emotion?
Is it because I constantly put up an act, to where I actually believe the way I act is the way I am?
I don't know. I don't like not knowing.
That's it? That's it! I never made a new years resolution! Well here it is.
Stop acting. Stop with the petty games or the false phrases.
hmm.
So that's what it feels like to slap yourself in the face.

birthdays

My birthday is friday.
One thing you have to know is that birthdays are VERY important in my family. We go ALLLL out and have a dinner and give presents and birthday wishes. I grew up in highschool receiving so many baked goods from everyone that I could never finish without spreading the wealth to my fellow class mates.
Believe it or not, I don't believe that birthdays are just about presents.
I think birthdays are a time when it's your day. A birthday is one day out of the year that is yours. I just want a birthday filled with birthday wishes and surrounded by the people I love. That is all I want. I just want people to hang out with me and not give me a moment to myself.
Of course the presents make me happy, but it is the thought that goes into the presents. The fact that someone planned and took time out of their day to do something just for you is the best part. I love it when someone gives me a present and it has mabey a memory behind it or a reason I need it so badly, for example, someone gives gives you deoderant because of that one time you were at the gym and someone made a face next to you and probably thought you smell.. it's funny.
as for plans on my birthday......
class. lunch at houstons with my mom and gram. guitar shopping. dinner with dad. performance. get crunk!
everyone should come!

Boys

Ok so I thought girls were confusing but now I am not so sure..

Girls: ( no offense, I am included)
Girls are bitchy, catty, self conscious, and annoying.
I used to think this about girls when I was in highschool and elementary school because I never hung out with girls. I thought they were over dramatic and made a big deal out of things. and that isn't my style. So I hung out with guys all the time. ALL THE TIME. I hung out with guys because they had the same attitude: layback and just let it go. I thought that that kind of attitude was the kind that everyone needed to live by. just let it go and get on with it. But now that attitude has bitten me in the ass.
I like a guy.
You would think after telling him, " Hey, I like you" and he says it back, that things would get on track and just move along? OH NO. not this guy. hasn't called, no means of communication was sent throught us for a good two weeks. ( that's a longtime in girl years)
What happened to old fashioned guys? the kind of guys that would open a door for you, fix things, and ask YOU on a date, and pamper you with cute notes or just a phone call? what happened to getting pursued? The only time I see that now is with my best friend. And he's gay! ( no offense Jody, your momma raised you right)
I just don't understand.
So now that I didn't get a call or at least a hello from the guy I liked, I have moved on. I am not going to call him and be like " Hey can you ask me out now?" no. that is a man's job.
BUT some women like to take charge, and I respect that. But ladies, I was raised southern and I was taught to let the guy ask me out and not the other way around.
Now there is a new guy.
I don't think I like him but all my friends think it's a go.
He is cute, but mysterious. I haven't had any experience with mysterious guys so this might be a challenge. I usually go for the straight forward just because I take signals differently than fellow human beings. For example, a guy who is in my class will be like " Hey Blythe!" wink wink.
other people's interpretation: " oo he might be interested!"
my interpretation: I smile back and act like I have a snaggle tooth.
(sigh)
I have some problems.
You kow it's bad when your family gets involved.
my aunt said " Yeah I know a boy who lives in slidell and he liked movies of musicals and stuff. mabey ya'll can get together or something?"
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!Jesus H Christ!
Just because he like musicals that are movies, doesn't mean he likes musicals.

"That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they would call them something else."
Sixteen Candles

Random Blog

Ok so I would like to blog about my cousin and school. 

I have a cousin named Skylar.

She is 5  and lives on the west bank. enough said.

Skylar will be the queen of her kindergarden parade at her school (stars with a K) and she felt the need to come in to my room and ask me to see her try on her dress, more like a ball gown, for her parade. As she walks in she screams at me," Blythe! Come watch m try on my dress! I am having a fashion show!" I respond with" No I don't really feel like it. Besides Gram, aunt, rere, and mommy will be there to watch you." " But Blythe! I want you to see it!" 

ok. so the real reason why I said no is because I just didn't feel like moving because I was reading twilight instead of doing my homework. ehh, I know, bad decision. 

I think I have a major problem. 

I read to many book series with Vampires in it. For example: The Vampire Diaries (3 books), Vampire Academy(3), House of Night(5), Trueblood (about to start), and finally, my favorite, Twilight(4 books). I have read all of these books over my christmas break. I think I like Vampire books because they are mysterious and they have just enough fighting action and love action in the stories. It all started with Twilight because it's one of the best books, even though people make fun of it. But I don't think I bought all of those other series because of Twilight. I think I bought them because I am now obsessed (obsessed?) with vampires; to the point were I have started to research about them. I AM WEIRD. too weird.

While we are on the subject of weird, I have had a psychology kick lately. I am now in my second semester of college and I am taking Into to Psychology for my minor. I really like psychology. I like it so much that I bore jody (sorry!!) with facts about the subject and weird quirks about how our minds are related to every action we make. For example, did you know that botox is actually a poison? Botox is a poison that blocks the neurotransmitters in our body called acetylcholine. Acetylcholine is a transmitter that causes muscle contractions. By putting Botox into your face, you are poisoning your body and freezing the muscles in your face. If you but too much Botox in our face, it is found that your face just stays that way because the muscles are so damaged that you cant even smile or make expressions anymore. weird huh? AND ( on more I promise) Did you know that in most cases, not all, that students who start smoking in college quit in five years because as they go through college and learn more about the science of smoking, they quit by the time they leave? Also, when you eat chocolate or hot peppers, your body produces endorphins which make you happy and feel good about yourself. So yeah I thought ya'll might enjoy that!

or not. 

whatever. 

Now that I have put studying off for a good hour,

toodles!

NEW YORK! NEW YORKKK!

SO0000
:]

As many of you know, I went to New York recently. aka a week ago. TALK ABOUT EXCITING!
so now I will tell you three funny stories that happened to me in New York and a couple of facts.

stories:
1) on my first day, I didn't even leave Jackson yet, and something happened. So Amy and I are walking up to the dreadful security desk and take off half our clothes and get patted down to make sure we have no weapons. I put my purse through and it goes through the machine and I think to myself, " I wonder if I have anything illegal in there." Then I remembered oh fuck. My tazer is still in there. (sigh). So the team of security gathers around the monitor to see whats in my bag. One lady goes " What is that??" and the other security man says into his wrist microphone " Code black. We have got an armed weapon at station something." Meanwhile I['m thinking oh great. I am going to get arrested. I can actually go to jail instead of Juvi because I am now 18. This is the only time in my life that I have NEVER wanted to be 18. So the police are there and they make me fill out a form that is like 15 pages. 15 minutes till flight 83 boards. PERFECT. So they empty my bag on the metal table and they pull it out. " Mam what is this?" And as blunt as I possibly could I said, " It's a tazer. " Then the black lady yelled " oooo shit!" and I am thinking wow I really am getting arrested. 5 minutes until boarding. Then they call more people and the black lady says to me ( while shaking my hand) " Mam, I am _insert name__ , the head of security department. I would like to tell you that you will be receiving a letter in the mail and a possible fine for carrying this in an airport. I'll let you go this time. " I say," So can I go now? I am going to miss my flight." " Yes you are cleared." one question. DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING TERRORIST? Do I look like a fucking threat? I can barely slap Jody in a pillow fight. AHHHHHH!

my mom gave me the tazer for protection purposes at school. guess who's paying the fine? mom.

2) Naturally, I am a klutz at heart.
I was at Katie's house and I was walking to her bedroom and, I didn't think this was possible, I ran my head into the tv stand. really blythe? oh yes. The tv stand is about the height of my head and for some reason, I was swaying while walking to get the the stairs and fell head first into the tv stand. Why does this weird shit happen to me? I had a killer headache after and threw up later. Did I have a concussion? Probably. Because I was walking like a drunk the next day through New York. I thought I was just tired. oops.

3) In the great town of New York, there are many diverse people.
I have never seen so many Asian American people in my life. But I also went to Chinatown so thats a reason too. When Amy and I got to Chinatown, we were lost for a good 10 minutes and during those 10 minutes, we were freaking out thinking " Shit where the fuck are we? " " I don't even know where the subway was." ehhh. But we found our way soon enough. So the shopping began. We went to a little stand that sold jade. The lady said " jaddde? jadee? you lie jade? pretty pretty gween! see? dis is jade! dis is jade too!" and I am thinking no that isn't jade! I didn't hear you the first 80 times you said it! and then we go into this other jewelry shop, just browsing, and the lady says, " You lie designa jewry?" and of course amy didn't really hear what she said and so Amy said " sure!" and the lady goes behind the desk in this secret compartment and pulls out a black velvet case and opens it sneekily, " tiffany? you lie tiffany? good for you! shinyyy!see? tiffany? you lie tiffany? I give discount for you! only forty dolla!" I am yelling at myself " Get the fuck out of here!!!" oh my.
I love their accent and I try doing it all the time but I just end up sounding like Miss Swan. haha!

Facts about new york you should know:
1) everything costs way more than in the south. Coke is 2 dollars.
2) Broadway shows made my trip. They have this thing called student rush were students get amazing seats for half the price! Great deal!
3) bring foot soles. you'll die if you don't. seriously.
4) people aren't as nice. for example: I smiled at a man when I was walking past him, because thats what people do in the south, and he just glared back. I was like wow he's got a stick up his ass.
5) go with friends. It's like an endless sleepover. It's awesome! I just laughed the whole time especially when I saw daniel radcliffe naked. HAHAAHA

I thought you all would enjoy that.
As they say in new york,
TAXI! ( the producers)