Too good, baby.

Things are really good right now.

Too good.

Which makes me really nervous.

I am always saying sorry and I think when I talk on the phone I sound like I am twelve, really. How do people put up with my high pitched voice? I do not know.

I feel like a loser because I am actually writing about him on a blog. (oh lord this might bite me in the ass.)

To start off, I would have never thought that I would be able to get close, as in touching and being close in general. Turns out, he's the opposite, he likes cuddling, holding hands, and having deep talks which makes me very happy. He understands my view points and I am starting to learn his but we do not convert our view points to satisfy the other's. We do not change our personalities or quirks or become someone different and that's what makes me think that it's going to work. I am trying not to think of the future or how to act around him because if I do, I will see things differently and start acting all awkward. Mom always said I have be with someone who lives in New Orleans because I am not leaving my family to move somewhere else. Of course he is from somewhere not new orleans, but that's ok. I don't get to see him as much as I would like and people keep asking me if it's going to work since he is far away and the answer is "yes." I never believed in long distance relationships because the couple never sees each other and they don't have the closeness as a couple who lives in the same vicinity, but I don't think I count because it's only three weeks.

I have been loving sleeping late and studying when I want and seeing my friends while on break. But there are always those little reminders of him wherever I go that make me think " I miss him." I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way because we have only been talking for two months. I should still be in the infatuation stage and just being horny all the time, but I'm not. I find myself smiling too much; a memory pops up and I can't stop it from happening. I also think that sometimes I like him too much or I am too clingy so I try to back off and seem nonchalant and passe'. I confronted him about it and all he said was " then I must be clingy too."

It still surprises me how much I am seeing in him, how relaxed he becomes or how the jokes begin to fade and how he becomes focused.. on me. I find myself blushing or beet red by the time the night is over and I can hardly contain how giddy I feel.

I never pictured it like this, he surprises me everyday.

Quando

Lately I have been on a kick of old love songs or just the classic songs that everyone should know. I think what really kicked it off was going to a wedding with Jody and dancing to those great love songs. For example some that you should know:
At Last
I'll be Seeing You
Unforgettable
Aint that a Kick in the Head
That's Amore
Save the Last Dance for Me
Sway
Pretty much anything by Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin.
I mean the list goes on but those are some good ones right there.

This one song that is my absolute favorite right now is Quando Quando Quando with Michael Buble' and Nelly Furtado, these are some of the lyrics:
Tell me when you will be mine,
tell me Quando Quando Quando,
we can share a love divine
please don't make me wait again.

I feel like all I am doing is waiting and being patient right now and it's kinda killing me but I know it will be worth it in the end. I mean these lyrics are way more intense than my actual feelings but the feeling of wanting and the need to know when are topics I can relate to.
It's weird that everything is going pretty well in my life right now. I am talking to someone, I don't have any drama with my friends, I am meeting new people all the time, and, I know it's different, but God is slowly creeping back into my life. The only bad thing is that I find it hard to have the will power to do my homework until it is really late at night and I have to absoluetly do it. Bleh.

I wish we could all go back to the simple times and have tiny worries. Everything was so simple then. The love songs had meaning and represented such intense love. I think the problem with society today is finding a way back to then and finding the simple life. My goal this week is to be simple and not complicate anything, to relax and enjoy life.

Aint that a Kick in the head?

irks?

I don't know if it's me or what because my emotions are out of wack but ..

Right now I am feeling out of place, like I don't belong and for some reason I expect it. I'm not in on the talk or the stories, I'm not there when action goes down. I'm out of the loop.
I get mad for no reason.
I'm mad and confused because everyone else around me is happy or doing something with their life. They're going places.
I feel like I'm in a limbo and in need of something to pull me out of the fog.
My music is calling to me but I'm too busy and don't have time to create what I was meant for.
yes, I know I have friends, but I feel like I don't have anyone to lean on, I don't have a constant. People fade in and out of focus. For example, one moment your so close and intimate and the next time you see them, you get a high five.
I don't understand you anymore. I don't know everything about you and I don't want to because you deserve your privacy. Everything you said before means nothing, you change your mind like the weather and you always think you're right. Don't worry, it will be fine. You'll never read this anyway.
I am not different, our more outgoing than I was before college. I still look at the ground when I walk because I think it will just cancel out the people around me looking at me with my head phones in and singing to myself.
These days I get annoyed by my family because they are always at my house eating our food and leaving a mess. That irks me. I should probablly be nicer to them.
I should probablly be in a better mood and be nicer to people but frankly, I just don't give a flying fuck.
I'm tired of trying to put myself out there or put effort into conversation. People should accept me because of me, not because I smile a lot.

A dull ache

I don't want to hear about your past relationships.

I don't want to hear about your relationship with my dad.

I don't want to hear about you current relationship with your husband.

Because I can't handle it.

I think you are a selfish person who just didn't give enough. You say that you just couldn't do it anymore, that you didn't have the strength or the will power to follow through. But you had enough will power to cheat. For that, you are weak.

If only you would have had enough to stay with dad for Glenn and I.

If you would have given that extra effort my life would be different.

Couples don't realize how much a divorce affects a child. Parents just think that because they can't stand each other anymore means that because they are fine the kid will be. Wrong. That divorce changed my life. The divorce came with overwhelming feelings of sadness, shame, and anger plaguing me for years. It's like a dull ache that is always there; your mind is elsewhere but you are constantly reminded of the ache. I'm sick of the the feeling that it was my fault and that maybe if I wasn't such a handful, it might have been easier for them. I'm sick of wondering about what real love looks like. Every relationship in my family has ended with divorce; there are no examples to learn from.

I keep asking myself " How will I know he is the one?" " Is there such thing as the one?" I know there is no such thing as love in a fairy tale or love in the movies. I hope it's better.

Love is about knowing one another and being friends as well as feeling a connection. Love is about getting in fights and knowing all sides of a person because you would rather fight to keep them than give up and let them go.

I don't know everything about love, but I'm willing to learn.

Lessons Learned

1. Do not make a promise with out the intention of keeping it.
2. If someone has hurt you in the past, they will hurt you again.
3. Don't walk outside when you think it's going to rain because chances are, it's going to rain.
4. Get over it, it's done, there is no need to look back on it.
5. Don't regret anything in your past because if you made the decision, there was a good reason for making it.
6. Things happen that are unexpected so expect it.
7. It's okay to have a closed heart sometimes. Only the ones you love and adore should see the real you.
8. It is possible to walk out your emotions even if it means your feet hurt.
9. Parts of your life may come to a halt, but life goes on.

I know some people won't agree with these lessons, but hey, everyone takes things differently.

bitch bitch bitch

I can't fucking stand this place.
Ya'll really don't need to read this because it's just me bitching about how I hate my job.
Why can't I have a normal job like working at a snoball stand I would even go back to working at quizno's?
All I hear is my aunt yelling at me, telling me I am doing everything wrong, and elaborating that if I can't do this, how am I going to last in the real world??
It all started when she was talking about hiding in the bathroom or in the back because someone she didn't like was coming in to show my aunt her new engagement ring. When the woman called to ask where my aunt was, I told her that she left. I thought I was doing my aunt a favor but I was only f-ing things up supposedly. I told her that the woman called and that she was off the hook, "your welcome!" but instead of saying " thank you" she said " god, blythe, why did you do that? Now she is going to think I am a scumbag because I told her to wait downstairs and I would meet her down there and then scoot off too lunch. I don't want to be a mean person and just leave her like you told her I did! that is beneath me!" She was yelling at me so i said, " are you bipolar? you just told me you didn't want to see her and now your telling me that you wanted to meet her? what is your problem?" Now she isn't talking to me. Like I care.
Not to meantion she pulled this shit yesterday and I almost quit then, too. Yesterday morning, I woke up at 6:00 and went to bed at 1:00 because I went to ihop with some friends after a 3hr play practice. I was tired, very tired. I answered the phone with out my usual pizaz at 8:30 because I was living off of 5 hrs instead of the usual 8 hrs of sleep. She had the nerve to tell me " well maybe if you weren't in such a bad mood all the time, you would like working here. Stop moping around. I mean really." Are you fucking kidding me? you don't know me woman! I had shit to do last night and I was tired! TIRED! not moody, not sad, TIRED!
But then I think, " If I quit, she would be in a huge shit hole. HUGe." Should I stay and put up with her shit? Or should I leave and work somewhere people are nice to me? I'm not going to lie, it's good money, but I don't know if I have the strangth to go through with it anymore.
Lawyers are assholes. I'm pretty sure everyone knows that. (No offense to people who have family who are lawyers) People call everyday asking to talk to them and they tell me " oh, take a message" yet, the people still call the next day. I think if someone calls you, you should call them back that day of the next or they will just keep calling. just get it over with! I hate it because I just keep telling them, " I'm sorry, he isn't here right now" and they get pissed at me. It's not my fault! I am not your lawyer! I just answer the damn phones!
Don't people know diction? Why can't they articulate their names? Because sometimes they will say their name and I'm like " I'm sorry, can you say that again?" Then they get louder because they think I am deaf. Articulate dumbasses!
the end.
As I say everyday, " good afternoon! law office?"

summer

I am sitting at work right now doing absolutely nothing so I decided to blog.
What to blog about? Oh well hell since it's summer, let's talk about " summer plans."
For a solid three months I am working at my aunt's law firm doing bitch work like filing, typing legal documents, cleaning their dishes, running errands, and last but not least: making coffee.
I am pretty sure this place has a curse because all I do when I get here is eat. I think maybe it's a mixture of nothing to do and actual hunger. Anyway, I am glad I work here because it opens my eyes to how much I never want to work in an office for the rest of my life. Thank God.
Speaking of God, I work in a church choir now praising the Lord through song. I get paid which is nice, but the conductor is a wee bit crazy. She directs totally different from what I am used to because I am being spoiled by Meg. She also puts people down a lot, but I feel like it's only me because she not only comments on my singing, but she also comments on my shoes and how they are not nice enough for church. Well sure I will go buy new shoes with the imaginary money from my fucking wallet.
On a happier note, I am saving money to study abroad. I have decided! I would like to go to Italy to study vocal performance and learn Italian. I will either go next spring or the summer. Nothing will prevent me but money! I am saving though..
I am also doing shows which feels great because it seems like forever since I have been in a show. It's been a year. WOW. I love singing and acting and being apart of something.
Speaking of being a part of something..... Glee? Amazing. Loved it.
I spent my time watching Glee at Bryce's house with a bunch of friends which was a good time. I think it's going to be a really good show and I can't wait until I see it in the fall. I want to find outwhat happens.. I just hope they don't put all the good stuff in the commercials...
Last night, I spent the night with Dot and Kacie and we watched the Mitch Hedberg comedy skit and it was fucking hilarious! look it up! Kacie and I also went and got snoballs from sal's and talked about people we know and their lives for the summer. Everybody does it..
Well I hope everyone has a great summer! I know I will! The break is greatly appreciated. :]